and then my conscience walked in

2009 - 2010

2010-01-03T22:22:23Z

End of 2009: Katie and I had lunch and it was ever so awesome. Haven't had lunch in a while, let alone with another person, and let alone still with a female. Talked more politics, Conrad, relationships past, music, and the very things we ate. It was only 3 hours, and it felt like 5 minutes. I gotta give this socializing thing another go.

Found out that Debbii is somewhere around Novi, and that is where she shall stay. With a Marine. She is join the Air Force.

The guys and I will not have that annual supper that we established 4 some odd years ago. Can't believe it's been that long.

Trae made sure my ass was put to work before the end of 2009, and bless her for that.

My rim was cracked on the way home and now I'm driving my car with the spare on. And it is very humbling.

I was reading how 36 cars were jacked in 48 hours during Christmas Eve as my brother bought me an iPod touch. The thing is amazing.

Sat in Jeff's house, almost the closest thing to a mortal enemy I can have, sitting around high teenagers, drunk adults, and fallen jokes. The jokes belonged to me. And I kept my mouth shut because I am wasted upon the young. Honestly. Mike showed up and I was put at ease. We spoke and brought up how work is essentially pissing us off. Then Vuch and Troy showed up. And my good friend Bacardi, who could count to 151.

Beginning of 2010: Took my 6th flaming shot of Bacardi 151, then texted the new years greetings to all I could. 89% return rate of messages* along with a phone call from home. Continued drinking and eventually lost my supper. Tends to happen around 10 shots of the stuff. I mean, come on. 75.5% alcohol? I'm surprised I made it to 10, much less 3 am.

The check cleared.

Made it home safe and sound, took my shower and rested the night away, all for 4 beautiful hours before my hangover struck. Ouch. Vomit ensued, however I managed to keep water down eventually. Watched The Hangover because it was the most appropriate thing to do. Then I ate an apple: mission successful.

The check cleared.

Now, I am to go to phone team and make some calls. After wards, I will have some coney with Karla, and wish her a fond farewell.

I did mention that the che- Oh, yeah, DUH! It's right there... twice...

*Not entirely sure where that number came from, but it sounded accurate

[ Happy New Year ]

Alright, sum it all up

2009-12-27T02:17:10Z

Okay... Colin?

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.

Yeah... that's me in a fuggin nutshell...

[ FML ]

Numbers

2009-12-27T02:02:21Z

Sallie Mae: 35.63%

Upline: 0.66%

Yspsi: 0.88%

Engine: 8.78% Max

Wardrobe: 4.39% Limit

Volume: 5.28%

Florida: 44.38%

Sense: 0.00%

Love:

[ 100% ]

Changes: We all do it

2009-12-18T01:00:53Z

So: Shit at work just made me lol. Customers kept arriving in a rhythm that suggested that we should call people in. We did. No one answered. F. M. L. Prep was 42.8% complete around 3 pm, which doesn't bode well at all. Our supervisors walk in, and everyone collectively thought "Shit..." Even myself. They helped us out. Linda came by me to use a scale to find out why one of our flattened piece of dough felt light. She weighed it and it checked out. I empathized with agreeing that at one time I had to re-weigh a deep dish sheetout because it felt light, but it was the right weight. She decides to go into our giant fridge and walk out to bring the trash can inside. Apparently, all of our dough was 1 ounce short. All of it. Which means managers get in trouble, because Jason is a paranoid man of neurotic proportions. I come in today, and all of the managers looked at me as if I killed their collective kitten. Seriously, guys? Wasn't my fault. I know hold in my hand video surveillance of our faulty scale. Suck it, supervisors. You're wrong. Again. Seriously. I wanna quit.

Also: My trust fund came in, and will be available to me Jan 4th.

Therefore: I really should've quit that POS of a job. The schedule is in a constant state of change: Idk if I'm workin tomorrow, to tell ya the truth.

Looking Onward: Tomorrow is a X-mas party I guess I'll go to. Saturday is the business X-mas party, where I am to bring a White Elephant Gift and homemade Mac and Cheese. Mmmmmmmm. Sunday is a shift after a few months of NEVER working a Sunday. Odd.

How: is shit going on with you guys?

[ I'm truly interested... truly ]

Lolwut?

2009-12-05T10:40:51Z

So: Work sucks. Like, seriously, it's almost embarrassing coming into work everyday. All of the customers seems to act really immature and admirably steadfast in getting the most for their five dollar product. My question to them is: Really? Like, fucking really? Five thirty is what you expect to make your hunger go away, and you bitch and moan about how it looks? Fuck those guys. I hate how they dictate when I make money. I hate my managers way of scheduling me. Today was a standing ovation to his ingenuity: He scheduled me to come in just to go back out to shake that damn sign. In 31 degree weather? His excuse was "You should be prepared for it everyday." The last few weeks, I haven't been outside, and now it's my fault that I didn't see that coming? He needs to be framed. For something. Anything. So he can see how it's like to be blamed for something he didn't do. That would be karma.

Womens: Kayla texted me, so I visited her at her place of employ. Her manager didn't approve one bit. But we still talked, and reminisced. It felt good to walk in and get a hug so warm and heartfelt as hers. No one hugs like that anymore. Mary is attempted to become part of my life. To no avail. I've forgiven her, don't get me wrong. But she isn't anywhere near the term "desirable". And having me and Mary hangout with her friend almost makes me feel like third wheel. Why do I even bother hanging with those two? One of my managers wants me to buy her an orchid. I know what an orchid is. But seriously, wtf?

Money: Not getting better selling pizzas. I don't think anyone deserves to end up doing that. It's a decent stepping stone, but nothing long term. That's just a terrible notion for my subconscious to handle: More than two years with the Caesar. [shudder]. Trust fund is to come soon. So if anyone wants to come to Florida, let me know. Because I'll get there after you, I guess.

Family: My dad is opening up, oddly enough. After my sister and I took a random sighting such as a skid mark on a sidewalk and ran it into science, fiction, and morality just to come up with a plot line and a sweet setting for it. Estranged we call it. Wanna know what the notion is? Ask. By phone. Voice is preferable. It's pleasant to receive phone calls. But after two days of arguing and deciding on what physics work and what theories wouldn't, my dad gave me a basic rundown of a concept he had. I felt bad about my honesty: It was cliche. Like whoa. He was looking for a way to make it original: a personal hook. I told him I just couldn't do it. Wouldn't be personal. Also that sort of thing has had it's moments of popping right out of my head and onto the canvas of imagination, but it cannot be summoned. I have a muse somewhere. It's close. Not sure what or who it is, but it's common, and I have yet to put a finger on it. Stephan is really gung-ho for this trust fund to gtfo here. As am I. Adam has classes he attends and hopefully it will place him in a situation where he will fucking appreciated. My mother works. And works. My father has found a temp job, that pays a bit too much money, and that isn't a problem in the least. Starts Tuesday.

Changes: I've noticed I'm taking a more "I'm not saying it to hurt you, I'm saying it because you'll believe me four years down the road" sort of attitude. As a character on Entourage said, "I like your newfound balls." As if I wasn't honest enough, I will say it and look forward to it hurting you. Not because I'm vindictive, but it shows that you DO know better and regret leaving your preset morals in the dust during that moment. Guilt is what the good people of this world feel. Bad people do not. Rationalize it how you wish, it was a stupid thing to do, and if you didn't regret then, then you won't if and when it happens again. And on that moment, it may not end so well. Live it, burn it, learn it. Do what you must, even if that is ignoring me. That's your choice. But don't complain about the aftershocks that it causes. Because I really relish the moments of "I told you so" but I don't say it. I'm above making that sort of thing obvious. Especially if I warned you beforehand.

Games: Modern Warfare 2 is the shit, plain and simple. Suck it, Halo.

Music: OneRepublic. Heard their new stuff? Yes, good keep listening. No, then do yourself a favor and view my MySpace. The first two are my top favorites, also the ones that the band happened to post.

Moral: Fuck, IDK. A lot has happened, but nothing has changed. How about you guys? How was your thanksgiving?

[ Seriously, wut? ]

Your favorite subject

2009-11-11T09:09:37Z

You: Live a fantasy, push realism to the limits, lie like a rug, use people for your own self esteem, injured me, heard my thoughts, answered my prayers, punished me for it, will get hurt again, won't have me to help, used me, hurt me, kissed me, loved me, hug me, comforted me, saddened me, worried me, scared me, confused me, hated me, want me, need me, left me, can't read this, must know I don't care if you do read this, made me hate music again, will go on without me, and I will meet again, will cry, will yell, will throw punches, will take hits, will smile, will cringe, will remember, will regret, will forget, will be in pain, will not have anyone to go to, Because you are a selfish brat that is years behind your generation. Pick your major, stay the hell away from me, and grow the hell up. In any order. Take your time. As long as it's out of my life.

[ Bitch... ]

Hmmm...

2009-10-22T23:26:24Z

Story: There is a dog, laying next to its master. The dog howls in pain intermittently. A passerby stops and asks "How come your dog is doing that?" The master grins and replies, "Because he's sitting on a nail." The passerby stares, bewildered. "Why doesn't it move?" The passerby inquires. The master nods, "Oh, he will. When it hurts enough."

Purpose:
I have a father that is laid off, financials are looking grim each week.
Does it hurt enough?
I have promises to keep and potential to exceed.
Does it hurt enough?
I know of thousands of societies that could benefit from my future.
Does it hurt enough?
I hate coming home to the frowns bestowed upon the crushing and unfair ruling that we call "society".
Does it hurt enough?
I wish that I had more of an impact that "one guy that you'd love to talk to".
Does it hurt enough?
I have dreams that are at risk of becoming old and wasted because I'm toiling with my time.
Does it hurt enough?
I realize that I'm not going to college for now, because I'm done paying corporates money they don't need.
Does it hurt enough?
I want to meet the potential that everyone sees in me, and still suprise them.
Does it hurt enough?
I will become the miracle I was born to be.

[ Does it hurt enough? ]

Saturday

2009-10-12T02:22:16Z

Full of: preparing, self-talking, dressing, checking, sighs, car rides, clubbing, dancing, cringing, listening, maddening, holding hands, enflamed souls, water, parental chumming, high fives, waist holding, high heels, cover, smoking, drinking, music, bad timing, bad invites, harsh words, apologies, running tears, broken friendships, elongated goodbyes, 30 degree weather, awkward drives home, gtfo, acts of passion, acts of regret, unsettled questions, silent answers, chocolate, home, second best, golden medal, 4 am

birthday

[ how was your saturday? ]

Yep...

2009-09-08T04:59:16Z

Gonna be: A bartender. Pouring drinks. Making peeps laugh. Making cash-mizzles. Happy.

[ Fuck college lul ]

I'm full of ideas...

2009-08-20T02:01:06Z

A) Elliot and Chloe: Working Title [Business and Pleasure], Elliot is an American and seems to be visiting France, approaches a random diner in Paris, meets Chloe, the hostess. He tells her that he has already seen the Louvre, Eiffel Tower, and the country side. He asks her what she find particularly beautiful of France, and Europe. Her response: "I'm off in an hour." Elliot reveals that he arrived in France with the clothes on his back, and cannot go back to the States, and the plot twist is why. Elliot is smart, funny, charming, and of course there will be a developing affection for him as Chloe adventures through Europe with him. She already has a fiancé, but has deemed Elliot so much of a better choice than he based solely on their chance meeting. I'm thinking CIA background for Elliot, if that's his real name. I'm thinking Movie, and a definite Romance, but with dry humor and clever anecdotes, not meaningful ones. There is no life lesson or moral, but only that love has no rules, and freedom is in the eye of the beholder. Cmt plz
B) Felons: There are laws and rules, and millions of fools who break them. But there are very few who can break the law of gravity. Only one for now, and this law-breaker is hunted down by Det. Sean Avery, an aloof member of the FBI that hunts down Felons of the laws of science. Conservation of energy, matter, law of gravity and buoyancy, and my personal favorite: Murphy's Law, are all game. Those specified laws each represent a character and eventually they band together [Energy conservation is gonna be fun] to fight off a more powerful force. Dunno what it is, but I'll find something. Sean Avery is a very strange man with odd things surrounding him. Whenever he puts on his hat to follow leads, the rest of his clothing appearing to be blowing in the wind, even if inside. The effect stops when the hat is off. He also has a misunderstood fear for cloaked figures, and outright runs in the opposite direction of a cloaked figure with what appears to be a scythe. Perhaps it’s because Det. Avery has broken a law himself... which one could that be? This could be a movie or graphic novel. This story needs to be seen, not experienced. What do you think? Cmt plz
C) Four Part Teen High school: Idk what the working title is... but this will be a dryer look at the typical teen movies. Yeah, there will be swearing and unbelievable amounts of pointless drama, but it will follow serious sub plots, but the center of the story is a kid named James Ethan. This boy has no social stigmas whatsoever and is generally liked by most and isn't mined by all. Good grades, but not outstanding. Close friends, and avoids pointless BS but stays to fix the ones with meaning, varying in amount. Freshman year, there is a new girl and she is OMG drop dead gorgeous, has been known to make gay guys and straight girls gawk in yearning. She is used to attention everywhere she goes, but James bumps into her and she drops her planner. He looks at her as if he was just looking at another person, and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't see you." He picks up her book and goes on. Because of his lack of attention [or yearning] towards to her, she is intrigued with James. She asks his friends about him, and talks about him every now and again. She eventually falls for him. He doesn't feel the same way back, because "I don't think you're done growing up." She claims that she is grown up, but his response is, "Oh, I know. You aren't done yet." James consults with his older brother [I think I could play as him] once a year in the spring about all of the events thus far in the film. His older brother than lays down the moral, then the rest of the movie, James sets things in place. I plan this movie to tug at your heart strings, make you laugh, cringe, get angry, relate, and understand. High school can be fun, but these movies will show that we shouldn't forget the hefty amount of maturing that goes on as well. Cmt plz
D) Friends like Us: Another film idea I got while watching "The Last Kiss". And given the time of which this idea was born, I decided: "Oh, why the hell not?" This movie is about five friends: Jason Wethers, Scott Scarletto, Craig Ramsey, Arnold Cassidy, and Caleb Darrows. Everyone but Caleb has gfs, and each of them in various stages in their relationships, and have lasted years a piece. Suddenly, Jason is single, around the same time Craig's gf breaks up with him. They each deal with that, yet Scott defends the gf and even goes as far as taking her out to dinner claiming that "She was the victim" Now with rumors that they are doing stuff arises and Scotts gf breaks up with him. Scott blames Craig, because their gfs are good friends. Scott goes into a hiatus and refuses to speak with anyone, even family. Jason takes up drinking away the sorrow. Then the remaining friends ban together to fend off Arnold's gf, whom all of them hate, comically, but with the right reasons. Arnold doesn't think it’s in good taste and doesn't want to talk to any of them. This is when Craig tries to commit suicide, for his 3 year relationship is over, and his besty, Arnold, claims that he hates him. As Caleb sits there aside Craig in the hospital, he takes it upon himself to fix all of the wrong that has happened to them. Jason's gf finds her way to Caleb, and he turns down every advance she throws at him. She says something like "God, you're all the same! Scott gave me the same bs!" Caleb then approaches Scott and enters with "I know you and her didn't do anything. I will help to get your relationship back." Caleb single handedly repairs what is done, and brings relief and answers to those whose relationships that cannot be repaired. They talk to Arnold again, and things become okay. Scott apologizes for his behavior, and Craig recovers well and never wants to do that again, and Jason goes to the AA to remove his problems. The movie should end with four of them sitting on a bench as Caleb approaches. They all stand and give him a hug and say "What would happen to us without a friend like you?" Caleb shrugs and says "There wouldn't be any friends like us..." Roll credits. Yea, another movie. A lot to follow, I agree. Please read it as much as you need to, if you wish. Cmt Plz
Those plans: Are what I wish to show for now... don't want anyone stealing them. So, what do you guys think?

[ CMT PLZ!!!1! ]

Prose

2009-08-06T15:20:39Z

Prose: Last night was the end of it. Last night had the consistency of pebbles, finally reaching the bottom of my subconsious and leading to my submission to defeat. Last night entailed the words I knew were to be spoken before I heard them. I knew of what news she had for me, and as I step in front of the gun, knowing full well it was loaded, the bullet was fired and hit me in the chest... again. That wound just never seems to heal. Last night was spent in the same bed as her, almost feeling guilty that she wants me near, but not close. I felt guilty for her; for that night. Not last night, no. I speak of the other night, where my fingers traced her figure as she danced along. That night I conducted a symphony with my hands, no baton needed. The melody was wrought with sadness, and desperation to feel something else other than the sting of lonliness. I chose to conduct this piece, because I knew when to speed up and slow, when to be loud and soft, and when to being and end. I've heard this song almost enough to call it my own. She wanted to hear it so she could admit she was, in fact, alone. It took me two years to write it. And I weaved it around her skin as she closed her eyes. She allowed her body to show how much she has had affections for me, former lover be damned. Nothing was held back now that she was regrettably free. Raw passion for another coarsed through her, and bled out on me. I was glad to be there to catch it. I knew this wouldn't be for long, but rather for the better. However, it was more than I thought. So much yearning for time to return as it once was flowed foward as I struggled to keep my head above. But I didn't give in. I swam those depths. I swam for her recovery, her pain, and her loss. That evening wasn't for me. Although, others would argue as such. She spoke of regret, she spoke of guilt, she spoke of apologies. I spoke, "It's fine. I understand." Quite sure she isn't old enough to know how much weight that statement had. Alas, I chose to stay with her until I knew she could drift along for herself. Dare I wish to be there to assist her healing process, but that battle isn't mine to fight. I did my swimming. My efforts will sink in one day, and she shall silently thank me for what I was doing there. I doubt anyone else could keep their head above, for I knew there was no shame in drifting. Now, I return to my ocean of issues. Perhaps that is why I am so eager to help others. Thats just one more thing I can do to remove me from my problems. And as a lesser man, I have blamed others for the pain after events like this unfold the way they do. Truth is, I'm in pain because that what my ocean does to me. That is why it's better to face your demons first before anyone else's. No one to my rescue. No mistakes to commit, no regrets for another night, and the symphony falls silent yet again. I know myself well enough to know that I will jump at the next opportunity to help others. Regardless of the consequences to my self-esteem. Helping others is a high, and addictive. I've found my anti-drug, and it's killing me just as fast. I have her to thank for this discovery. The aid I provided was mutual; her problems realized, and mine to be removed. Now those pebbles rest in the trough of my thoughts, as I tread cognition, preparing myself to free-style my way through my troubles. There will be times that I will submerge and unearth problems best left in the drink. However, if I were to best this pool, these stones of complexities would reveal themselves in the end. This is my healing process. She allowed me to see that. I thank her. And she moves on.

That evening wasn't for me.

[ Ready to hit some waves ]

Texts From Last Night [UPDATE FOR MORE HILARITY!]

2009-08-05T08:28:29Z

What: This website is friggen awesome, seriously take a gander.

(720): Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
(303): I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

(305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
(615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

(858): When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

(573): she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight

(515): Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
(1-515): Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

(586): I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.

(586): You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
(248): You're ridiculous
(586): Your hot

(248): @ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu <3
(1-248): please stop breathing.

(305): false alarm. still invincible.

(586): look its a map shaped like a penis where do you think it goes
(1-586): to amber's mom

(501): if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

(302): Who goes to Church hungover
(717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

(907): i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me

(440): Really stoned
(440): just sent my roommate on a cheese run

(780): school has made you so classy.
(514): that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.

(310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

(405): Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal

(843): happy early fathers day!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...

(415): if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?

(312): Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.

(202): he's my edward cullen
(770): I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.

(404): Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

(703): it wasn't lemon gatorade

(717): Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
(206): Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

(206): got weed?
(425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
(206): sorry mom...

(504): He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

(404): You can't special order awesome

[ Oh christ ]

And ode to last night

2009-08-02T19:58:48Z

Two most amzing words in the enlish language: "Stop apologizing."

Sore body part: hips, dear lord, are they sore, gotta get back to workin out

What you need to do: Figure out the rest, i doubt you can, but I just thought I'd share about it in a cryptic manner

[ So suck it ]

To you:

2009-07-26T05:50:53Z

THE GIRL I LEFT: Hate me now, hate me forever. My choice, my life. You wanted to be a member of the audience, I offered you a role of this show. You declined. I took my show elsewhere. Your choice, my choice. Hate me now, hate your choice.

[ I have no regrets, you cry over yours ]

Stereotypical

2009-07-23T07:22:57Z

I AM ONE OF THOSE GUYS: that enjoys playing the pity card to no avail, that uses words to prove a point, that would only fight to kill, that intimidates boyfriends because I treat your girls with more respect in five minutes than you ever did in a year, that believes insults over compliments, that wants to be surrounded by successful people, that needs to get smarter friends, that has friends that embarrass me, that is awesome and flirty when drunk, that should be taken seriously, that loves to see people laugh, that shouldn't be denied my obvious amount of potential because you're afraid of what I will be, that hasn't been doing much after high school, that has a plan, that is capable of loving someone instead of repeating it over and again, that has rarely been given a chance, that can write sonnets in your name, that can rip you to shreds with the power of the English language, that strikes verbally in places that leaves people speechless when angered enough, that wants to play well with others, that has a crazy anger streak, that believes getting even instead of angry is fucking childish, that is clearly older than he seems, that swears way too god damn fucking much, that likes being clean, that likes to have a plan, that thinks too much, that doesn't pay attention to your details, that craves significance, that doesn't believe in himself, that will go far, that god seems to dislike, that should apologize, that should be receiving apologies, that fucking hates stupid people, that would decapitate each member of the KKK personally, that would slap the Black Panther's hand for taking their retaliation too far, that voted for Obama, that wants change, that is afraid of what change could bring, that has patience, that can't wait, that loves music, that hasn't heard enough songs from different bands, that has more stories in his head than he can deal with, that wants someone to listen, that wants to listen, that wants to hold someone, that would think of a woman sleeping in his arms would be one of the best feelings ever, that hasn't had enough sex, that thinks porn is overrated, that wants to write, that wants to read, that wants to compose, that wants to jam out, that wants to program, that wants to play, that wants to stay home, that wants to get out of here, that wants to learn, that wants to know, that hates being alone, that is afraid to be with others, that hates his memories, that loves his mind, that is thankful for what he has, that still wants more than what he's settling for, that wants the weather to stay at 68 degrees forever, that hates anger, that wants to punch angry people until they don't have enough blood to be angry anymore, that wants world peace right now and forever, that hates men so much I'm glad I am straight, that should sleep, that should continue, that should live, that will die peacefully.

[ Who are you? ]

Rant: to speak or declaim extravagantly or violently; talk in a wild or vehement way

2009-06-29T10:56:12Z

How I'm feeling lately: I've squandered too much. I've used up too much of my patience to be around people who do care about me, but have no bearing over what my future will be. Excessive. Pointless. Unnecessary... yeah, that word. I picked this tidbit of epiphany last Friday at the fireworks in Mt. Clemens. I was third wheel. That's why I was invited. I'm not sure what it does to boost one's self esteem by inviting a third wheel, but my presence was requested. For reasons that would baffle my mind into submission if I were to ask. Two couples. Another guy who didn't give a damn to be there. And me. Alone. Surrounded by couples holding hands, kissing, and enjoying their company over the air they breathe. My heart pumps soy sauce as the two couples do dumb cute stuff that makes me gag and envy at the same time. My actions remain inert, but the will to go home remains. Here inlaid the irony: I was their ride. If I left, they would have to walk. Couldn't dare give the love birds more time to be with each other than to make them walk home. No. Hell. I wasn't a third wheel. I was all four. That got them there. Drama, fighting, kissing, yelling, swearing, confusing, sitting, looking, asking, holding, loving... and I'm in the back, averting my eyes to what I treated the situation as a car crash. Totaled, btw. Even in their dumbest moments of teenage living, they have no idea what it is to be surrounded by people and be alone. And the people I am friends with don't mind to be alone. I do. Hell, I'm told that women are surprised to hear I'm single, and worse still: A virgin [?]. Dumbfounded as they were, I have that half joking half pathetic smirk drawn on my face. I'm bitter. The other day when I aided my mother in shopping for groceries, I saw what I thought was a high school couple. They were stupid for each other. She was, of course, a knock out. And the guy was, of course, and standing ovation to the cult that is the "douche-bag". They had a fight towards the end of the evening. Wanna know what it was? Have any food in your stomach? They were fighting because they didn't want to let go of each other's hands so she could get her keys out of her purse to open the damn car. Stupid for each other. Doesn't stop my heart from pumping soy sauce. I sit in the car, most likely in the midst of rolling my eyes [fret not, it's a lengthy process for me], and my mother lecturing me on how I'm too young to view couples stupid for each other like that. That means I found the right experiences to make me hate happiness that isn't mine. Way to go, Envy, you old deadly sin you. You got me. Good job. Most people I'm hanging with don't understand, and refuse to see it from my side. Dippy's cure all is "don't". Don't get angry. Don't feel bitter. Don't be hungry. Don't wake up if you're tired. Don't breathe if it smells bad. Way to go, dude. You're philosophy must have derived from your father. Mine too. If it's too hard to deal with, walk away. Leave it alone. Get the hell away from it. That philosophy has kept him alive, physically, but actually remains a husk of what man he was. And now, I'm too follow in his footsteps based solely on the people I choose to associate with. No one else seems to see that this society has everyone run on, for, and against the almighty dollar. Taking attention from everything else, because without money, you die. Simple as that. I have money. And I'm still dying. I don't want to work 80,000 hours in my life towards a dream that isn't mine. Albeit pizza, video games, or prostitution. It won't be for my dream. It will be for the dollar. The love for money is evil, but prioritizing it above family is kosher. I fucking hate that about this country. I'd hate us too, if I didn't understand why Americans treat ourselves and others the way we do. I believe I found a way out. Believe. Heh. I have belief. And seeing as though my belief in God got Eric killed, it is in everyway shaky. Don't mess with it. I'm tired of just taking up space and oxygen for nothing. I want to believe in something. And I'm surrounded by those who don't share it, believe it, or even care for it. Even hate it. Hate me because of my choice to believe. Great. Family thinks I'm worthless, work isn't getting me close to anywhere, economy won't allow me to find another avenue, friends are dissipating, love hits everywhere but misses me, and I'm here talking about it. Life should be a pendulum. Swing back already! I'm quite agitated with what cards have been dealt with me. And everything I do is a process, and never immediate. So, whatever I do that doesn't have an immediate effect on my life or others is regarded as a failure. Awesome. Just awesome. All of this weight is crushing me from 360 degrees of reality. Fuck. That. Shit. I'm worth the ground I stand on, Uncle Dave. I'm worth being addressed a damn adult, Kathy and Amber. I'm worth being financially free, Mom. I'm worth more than my job, Darnell. My dream will not be crushed, reality. I don't like you, so I'm in the midst of changing it. I hate having my blood replaced by MSG, my thoughts of smiling replaced by what people call a "reality check", seeing douche bags get away with hurting misinformed woman begging to be taken advantage of, having my dream being sold for $7.40/hour, wasting my time around honestly stupid individuals, parting with heartbeats over matters that are just as stupid as the people it came from, having a family that relies on immediate satisfaction, each moment of success dwarfed by five moments of failure, and being alone. By all means, LJ about your happy moments and live changing events. I'm not mad at you. Not mad at anyone. But I am mad. Horribly mad. Scary mad. And the only thing scarier than how angry I am... is how well I hide it.

[ F t l ]

Update

2009-06-27T06:05:09Z

SCOOP: May have a laptop, only gotta fix the power cable on that thing and its mine. Business is getting there. Today felt like shit. Today I felt as if I spent 7 years of my childhood defending a person who, in the long run, amounted to nothing... person=me. Got drunk at a party with strangers and walked away with a few numbers. Didn't matter after "Shelby" dragged me into the pool with my touch screen on my person. Lame. Fought with Alexis about me not showing up to her grad party. Fuck that shit. Rebecca has proven to be a emotionally sacred ally, by always wanting to be and always being there. Her family helps too. Fireworks today... gag me. MJ is dead, and to be quite honest, I'm not sure if anyone cared. Saw transformers. Not impressed. 6.5/10 at best. Great effects, music, and combat. Mediocre everything else. Like characters. Watch for Sam's roomate. Fail. Movie was good, don't get me wrong. But it wasn't great in any way. I suggest you see it, flesh out your own opinion please. I'm too stingey. Seeing Public Enemies, fuck yeah.

MORAL: Too much has happened, but too little has changed.

[ *in need of alcohol* ]

Because I could

2009-05-28T08:29:24Z

It is a Saturday, and the roads remain hazardous for automobiles to stop on a dime. Such an instant occurred at 11:52 pm on this Saturday. It counted. Aliza was on her way back from staying the night at her friend's abode whilst enjoying her bachelorette party and was enjoying there company before the wedding which was the following Sunday. Cyrus was driving home from a business meeting and he was feeling particularly good about the results and what changes needed to happen, he also finished paying his car off after two months after purchasing it. On this stretch of road, there wasn't a soul to be seen. Then Aliza reached her phone to call her husband-to-be while Cyrus wanted to change lanes. Aliza's car swerved slightly towards Cyrus' car. They collided. Cyrus tried to stop, but found himself hydroplaning across the water and continued to push Aliza's car against the concrete highway dividers. A moment of scraping stopped both vehicles. Cyrus immediately got out of his car, passenger side, and jumped atop his own vehicle to check on the other driver. Aliza pushed the airbag aside and looked around to see Cyrus standing on top of his 2010 model car. She sighs as she reaches towards the handle only to realize that she smells gasoline, the door won't open, and the only reason how she can see outside is because they are under an overpass.
"Shit!" She shouts. Cyrus then takes that as his cue, and carefully makes his way over to her car and knocks on the moon roof window.
"Hold on... shit!" She shouts again. She pushes the button and the window slides open. She sees the placed concrete stabilizing pillars and Cyrus' hand reaching in. She gathers what she can and grasps his hand, reluctantly. Cyrus is already calling for assistance. She is pulled out and she notices that Cyrus' nose is bleeding, and the rain hasn't let up. Cyrus hangs up.
"About an hour." He says. Aliza rolls her eyes.
"Fucking perfect. An hour with you." She says. Cyrus brushes his index finger across his forehead, incidentally brushing aside his long well kempt brown hair. She repeats the same actions upon herself and notices she's bleeding from her forehead. Her eyes widen, and Cyrus takes a step forward to look at it. Aliza shies away.
"I can take care of it myself!" She insists. Cyrus shakes his head.
"It's on your right side." He suggests. She follows the crimson to a wound that doesn't hurt badly, but noticeably. Cyrus pulls out a handkerchief and applies pressure to the wound. Aliza winces. Aliza then gives Cyrus a look. Business casual with his usual personal flair. Bright and blue mixed with a dark suit. She likes the color blue. The handkerchief was the same color.
"Where did you come from?" She asks. Cyrus releases the ownership of the handkerchief to her.
"You care?" He asks with a dry tone, suggesting that her attitude thus far is beyond unacceptable.
"Well, you look nice." She says. A car, whose driver is oblivious to the accident, drives by at the posted 70 mph speed and splashes ground-based rainwater upon Cyrus' attire. His facial expression doesn't change.
"Thanks." He replies. She can't help but smile. Cyrus looks behind him.
"We could chill there for a while. Until the road side assistance arrives, at least." He suggests. She takes the handkerchief away to notice a decent sized blood stain on the azure fabric, then places it back on.
"We could stay in our cars." She replies. Cyrus then looks back with a look of disagreement.
"Feel free to get back in that mess, I'll be up here." He says as he looks down the road for head lights then strolls down and up the incline towards the overpass. He reaches a location he finds comfortable, and takes a seat, facing the wreck. She turns to look at her car mangled and shoved against the concrete and pinned with a 2010 model car. She sighs, then looks down the road for headlights, and eventually sitting aside Cyrus.
"Have you tried calling for assistance?" He asks. She looks at her cell phone, just realizing she's been neglecting it for some time.
"Oh, fuck my life!" She calls out. Cyrus looks at the cell phone in her hand.
"What now?" He asks.
"The screen is cracked! Now I can't know if I'm making a call to someone. Fuck!" She shouts again. Cyrus then looks at a passing car driving out of the mist that is heavy rainfall, slows briefly, and then heads out into the rain again. He smiles a bit.
"That... that sucks, Liza." He says. She looks at him with discontent.
"You've never called me that before." She says. Cyrus sits back.
"Your friends call you that, right?" He asks.
"Yeah, and?" She responds.
"Consider me a friend, then." He says. She scoffs and ends the conversation by looking at the blood that the wound is producing. Getting better, she thought. She places it back on. Silence sits with them for a bit, with the discomfort of falling rain and rushing vehicles flying through it. Silence then finds another spot to sit in, for it wasn't welcome in the first place.
"Wedding tomorrow, huh?" Cyrus asks. Aliza takes her time to answer.
"Yep." She responds.
"Never got a chance to congratulate you." He regrets. She winces at the throb on her head.
"Never asked you to." She says. Cyrus chuckles.
"Congrats, for what its worth." He responds. Aliza's phone then vibrates, only once.
"Shit! That was a text and I can't read it." She says. Cyrus remains confused as to whom she was talking to.
"Shouldn't have changed lanes." Cyrus regrets. Aliza then turns to him.
"Way to go, dumbass." She says, in all seriousness. Cyrus then chuckles again.
"You always this charming around people?" He asks. She then turns away.
"Only to people who have hurt me." She states. Cyrus now scoffs; he ran out of patience to chuckle.
"To my understanding, we got past that." He suggests.
"Well, uh, way to go dumbass." She says as to drive the point home. Cyrus then stands.
"I'll give you benefit of the doubt and blame it on wedding pressure." He says as he starts walking further up the incline.
"I didn't ask for your doubt or blame." She snaps. Cyrus then turns and in one stride is beside her again.
"But you're asking for me to call you a cunt. You know it, I know it, and you'll only bitch at me for that because it's inconvenient for your ego to accept that you're being one. Fucking quit it." He snaps. Aliza glares at him.
"You this charming around people?" She counters. Cyrus is still standing.
"Only when people ask for it." He counters. She stays silent as she applies pressure to her wound again. He then takes a few steps away from her to calm down. Silence passes by again, shorter visit than the last.
"I'm sorry... okay? I went for my cell around the time you were changing lanes. Both of us caused this crash." She breaks. Cyrus still doesn't respond, but crosses his arms.
"I know." He says after a while, "Took you a bit to admit that, Aliza. That's rather troubling." She takes that criticism in stride, for she believes she deserved something.
"You're calling me Aliza now?" She asks.
"No longer wish to be a friend, but for this night to finish up. You have a wedding, and I have a life. We should get on with them." He says. She pulls back the handkerchief and notices that the blood has slowed down. She folds it up and thought about offering it back to him, but realized that it was a dumb idea.
"How'd you know about the wedding?" She asks. Cyrus still doesn't look at her.
"I pay attention." He answers.
"You stalk me, or something?" She asks, slightly playfully. Cyrus looks back at her.
"Your friends insist that they keep tabs on you for me." He responds. That made sense to her.
"Did you ask for that?" She inquires.
"At first, yes. After a while, they did it out of habit." He says. He looks at the wreck. Her eyes still set on him.
"Why?" She inquires further.
"Couldn't get you out of my thoughts. The more I knew, the more comfortable I felt." He responds.
"Not so much now?" She still inquires. This line of questioning was strangely appealing to her.
"You're a topic of conversation now. Nothing more." He says. She is taken aback. She could relate this feeling as to being insulted, left behind, and degraded. She didn't want that feeling at all.
"At least its something." She heard herself say. Not entirely sure she wanted him to know that. Cyrus looks back at her, rather serious glance drawn upon his face.
"What am I to you?" He asks, thinking it was his turn. She blushed only slightly, but that couldn't be seen in the now 12:18 am light.
"A target for my fiancé." She chuckles. Cyrus shakes his head.
"I take it he's only heard good things about me, then?" He asks sarcastically. She smirks.
"I've called him your name before." She said. Cyrus takes a step forward.
"This I know, what about it?" He inquires further.
"It happened last night. He was drinking with his buddies an-" she was cut off.
"You called him Cyrus last night?" He inserts. She pauses a moment, then continues.
"y-yeah. He was enjoying his bachelor party last night, and me with the bachelorette party. He called me when I was drunk and I said 'Hi, Cyrus baby. What's up?'. He was totally pissed." She says, followed by giggling. Cyrus is now perched aside her.
"I bet. Although, our names are similar. Sam... Cyrus... I could see it. But what happened after?" He asks. He doesn't realize that he's getting very interested in this.
"Well, he yelled at me, and I apologized to him like a thousand times. Then we got around to talking sweet and sassy to each other and-" As she continued, Cyrus stood up and walked towards the road. Aliza stopped speaking for a moment.
"Don't wanna hear about it." Cyrus says after a minute. She stands up and keeps the handkerchief in her hand.
"What do you wanna hear?" She asks. Cyrus looks back and doesn't say anything. Anything but that, he thought. He is no way interested in their sex life.
"Like, 'I miss you' or something?" She asks again with a touch of bitter resentment. Cyrus looks ahead at the wreck again.
"No need to say it. I already know." He says, lacking the matter-of-fact tone. He said it apologetically.
"Oh, you know, then?" She said while approaching him.
"Do you also know that Sam is my world? How we're, duh! Getting married! How long we've been together? How I would be dead without him?" She prattled. Cyrus stopped her there with a glare that of a parent scolding a child.
"Dead because of how we left things at the moment?" He asked, tone low and more inquisitive rather than hateful. She blinks, unaware that her posture is now leaning away from him.
"Yeah. He helped me out. So?" She asks childishly. Cyrus grins.
"You just admitted that he was a convenience. A rebound, a convenient rebound. And if I recall, you searched for a likable trait he possessed for a while." He said, rate of words increasing slightly.
"He's more than a convenience." She challenged.
"And now you cling to that trait as if your life depends onit. You love his childishness, convenience, and how addicted he is to your vag-" Cyrus' speech was cut off by Aliza slapping him. Tears are welling up in her eyes, and she makes no attempt to hide them.
"Fuck you." She says.
"You wanted to, at one point." He responds. She slaps him again. Tears leaving a trail of repressed memories on her cheek, and landing with resounding pain on the pavement. Cyrus heard the pain, and has become immune to subtle cries for help. He, too, has been in pain for too long for a purpose too lacking. Now it's Aliza's turn. Aliza has the bitter salt on her lips from the tears. Cyrus is enjoying his bitter-sweet attacks as resentment flows forth from his words, bypassing her years long defense upon her feelings and ripping up a place in her heart that Cyrus once called home.
"One day after we ended it." He spoke, "You fell in love with him in one day; the day after we were over." Aliza inhaled and allowed her tears to run freely.
"Your cheating ass wasn't worth thinking about." She states. Cyrus then dares to look at her in the eyes once again.
"You know I didn't cheat, Aliza." He said, somewhat sympathetically.
"I was still hurt, Cyrus... you caused that pain." She said, trying to keep her words in her head long enough to speak them. Cyrus shakes his head, finally as matter-of-factly.
"And what we had meant nothing to you." He replies.
"How could it? After what you did?" She asks. She wished it to have a rhetorical status. That request went unheeded. Cyrus' eyes burned and he inhaled.
"What drama did you want to live on that day, Aliza?!" He shouts as lightning strikes. Aliza is taken aback while, literally, takes a step back, "While dealing with the new pressure of other girls wanting to be as happy as you and coming to me to make that happen, I did my fucking best! And I took stupid pathways to prove to you that I was still yours! I fought off my friends for a whole fucking year! I fought off my future! My family! Everything! I threw it all away for a chance to be with you again! And all it took was one screw up! ONE! And you know it didn't even count!" Cyrus takes a moment to regain his composure. Aliza hasn't a clue how to respond. All of this is new to her.
"And through all the fighting I did..." He continues, "The only fight that would've counted was the one you refused to fight." He finishes. This gave Aliza ground to step on and get to the bottom of these accusations. Thunder rumbles.
"What fight?" She stammered. Cyrus breathes for a moment.
"Between you and your parents." He says. Aliza's brow lowers.
"You have got to be kidding! I wasn't going to do that! I already lost that fight!" She opposes. Cyrus then glares at her again.
"If you kept fighting, they would've lost." He responds. Cyrus states this as if common knowledge. He says it this way because he knew this to be fact for years.
"You don't know that." She counters, tears now attempting to dry up in the rainy weather.
"I do know that I wasn't worth that fight. I wasn't worth the battle between you and them. And I wasn't worth lamenting after it was over. I wasn't worth fighting for, and wasn't worth mourning. What was I worth to you, Aliza?" Cyrus asked, hints of tears trying to make their plea across his eyes. With the subject matter at hand, the muscles needed to keep them back were on overdrive. What was Cyrus worth to Aliza?
"Time was against us." She said, and the storm throws another bolt from the sky, "You were worth loving then."
"Not enough, or at least as much as I loved you." He states.
"Goddammit, Cyrus! Why can't I fucking win?! No matter what I do, it's a mistake!" She shouts. Thunder rumbles in the distance.
"I find it flattering that you think hurting me is a mistake." He says. Aliza shuts her mouth, because she isn't sure what message she sent him.
"That’s why Sam is with you. Time isn't against you, your parents approve of him," As Cyrus lists this, she scoffs, "and I doubt he's smart enough to argue with you, making sure that you are the best you can be. No fights, no arguments, no complications... convenient. And that's why you love him." He finishes. She regains herself.
"Jealous?" She asks.
"Only because I believe he's getting the love that was waiting for me at the end of all of the bullshit we promised each other to endure." He answers.
"Really?" She inquires.
"But he makes you happy." Cyrus states while passing the last question by like the cars passing by their wreck. "And for that, I am happy for both of you."
"You're happy for us? Why?" She asks, now to the point of heavy confusion.
"Because your happiness was my first priority. Win-win. You're happy and my mission is accomplished." He answers.
"What about your happiness?" She asks, with genuine interest. Cyrus sighs while smirking.
"I'll have to find it elsewhere. You don't have it anymore." He replies. Aliza frowns a bit.
"I hope you find it, Cyrus. I really do." She states.
"My love wasn't worth believing in, so why should your hope mean more than that?" He asks, sounding cynical and regretful of his anger.
"Because then we were young and somewhat stupid." She smirks, trying to cheer him up. Cyrus looks down the road to look for the truck, and his eyes fail to see anything so they settle upon her gaze.
"Well... I still love you." Aliza's heart skipped a beat and a tear quickly snuck all the way up to her eye again just to run down her face, "Hows that for somewhat stupid?"
Silence. For a great while.
"I love Cyrus." Aliza broke. Cyrus' expression didn't change, "Sam." He corrected.
"Shit! Yeah, Sam. Love Sam! Fucking Sam! I love Sam very very very much! Goddammit!" She threw her phone on the ground and punched Cyrus in the chest several times. Cyrus, unphased by her fit of frustration, managed to grasp one of her hands.
"I know you do. Wouldn't have it any other way." He responds. Tears are now raining down along with the weather outside upon Aliza's face.
"It's not fair... my love for him hurts you... not... not fair..." She stammers. Cyrus continues to hold her hand at her wrist. Aliza then looks up from her broken phone and looks at Cyrus' emerald eyes; full of duty, respect, hate, pain, and compassion. Such a conflicted young man, and a conflicting way of settling past regrets and present pains. She takes a placed step to ease into hugging him. She felt overcome with responsibility that she hurt him for so long. She evetually asked herself how much he did mean to her. At least a hug, she thought, at least some comfort.
"I'm sorry... I'm so fucking sorry for not caring about you. I was just too busy being happy..." She said outloud, then sobbed because she believed what she said was a horrible to admit, do, and say. Cyrus took it in stride. Perhaps this is what he wanted her to realize. Perhaps he wanted to let her know that he suffered because they aren't finished just yet. Truth be told, he was unsure of why he said those things, and why he felt right to do so. He didn't want to hurt her, but rather to place the pain elsewhere so he could cope and heal properly. He couldn't do that without her. He couldn't move on without her being happy every moment without getting a word in edgewise.
"That's what I wanted for you." He answered. She stopped and looked at him.
"Are you really that selfless?" She asked, voice shaking with pain.
"Only when people deserve it." He replied. Her tears started again, and she buried her face into his chest as she let out another sob. Cyrus embraced her and slowly let his hand travel up and down her shoulder. Cyrus looks forward.
"Truck is here." He states, sounding slightly hopeful. She doesn't let go.
"Let the guy watch." She says while drying her tears on his tie. Cyrus smiles.
"Aliza..." He said, in his "were-doing-something-bad-so-whisper-so-the-parents-can't-hear-us" tone. She looks up.
"The truck isn't here... I lied." He admits. Her expression changes.
"But why did yo-" Cyrus shushes her.
"I accept your genuine apology." He says while smiling. Aliza continues to hug him. Shortly after the truck arrived, and arrangements were made to drop each other off at their respective homes. Aliza's roommate asked what happened and she told. Cyrus returns to his room that he's renting and the super asks where he was and all he did was tell him to fornicate himself, and then handed him his months rent.
The next day, the wedding went off without a hitch. Vows told, promises made, tears shed, smiles shown, and lives bonded. Oh, and kissing as well. During the reception, Aliza's bridesmaid and roommate approaches her with her cell phone. Aliza asks who it was, and she thought she heard "Smiley".
"Smiley?!" She shouts over the music. A familiar voice pierced the thumping bass.
"Be happy, and congratulations!" Cyrus said over the speaker. Aliza stopped dancing and smiled.
"I told you I didn't ask for it!" She replied, now covering her ears.
"Well, I asked for you to be happy!" Cyrus countered. Aliza's expression changed, and her roommate was rather confused on the change in behavior.
"Alright, I will be! And thanks!" She shouts.
"I'll see ya when life wants throws us in the same place again!" He states.
"I have to return your napkin thing!" She says.
"My handkerchief?" He asks.
"Yeah, that big word thing!" She corrects, laughing.
"Keep it! You like blue!" He says.
"But my blood changed it!" She says. Her roommate then adopts a concerned looked.
"Your blood! Yours to keep!" He says. She laughs.
"Thanks!" She giggles.
"Now enjoy your time with Cyrus!" He says, while laughing. Her facial expression eases into seriousness.
"I will." She says
"I said 'CYRUS'!" He reiterates.
"I know! You said 'Sam'! I heard you!" She shouts, knowing full well that he said "Cyrus". He gets this joke and moves on.
"Right! Take it easy!" He suggests.
"Alright!" She responds.
"Alright, bye!" He says.
"Bye." She hangs up and continues dancing with Sam, her husband.
"Who was that?" Sam asked. Aliza's roommate nodded, looking concerned.
"Someone who is very happy for us." She says as she kisses him.
The day after, she uses a frame she received in the wedding party and places the handkerchief in it. It reminds her of times of pain, and also a time of someone who put things aside to ease her pain. Make her smile, cry, wince, and live. She loves Sam, oh, unequivocally. But she cannot deny Cyrus in her life at one point or another.

They never spoke after that. But they never forgot.

[ Fin ]

I moved... alot of shit

2008-04-28T04:57:59Z

So, my mother went gung-ho on getting a shit-ton of work done around the house

We threw away the following:
Family room couches
Basement chair and couch
Family room rug

We swapped around the following:
A love seat for Grandma

We gained the following:
3 rugs
5 chairs
A couch / queen sized bed
A heavy ass desk
Fan
Mini-Fridge
Sewing machines
Foot stools
A table
and a roller-chair upon which I am sitting

The entirety of this operation lasted for two days, consisting of defying physics, heavy lifting, swearing and pain

Twas worth it, for the basement and family room look completely redone, giving it the vibe of "just moved in"

At the tail end of said operation, I took time off to see School House Rock

The show proved short, yet entertaining, with catchy songs that got caught in the butterfly net of my mind, with some lyrics and notes lingering still

The three nights previous to tonight proved be productive and fun

The variable that confirmed to be apparent trouble at first sight was the shout that Alexis gave when she heard my voice and turned her head

She jumped into my arms and we caught up, realizing the last we spoke was at her sweet 16

"We need to hang out" she would say. I nod in agreement, forcasting a warm front followed by drama and supposed heart break

Today, I joined the activities with Alexis, Patrik, Matt, Felicia, and Kathy

All still in highschool, and again I naturally suck up the fact that I'm so damn cool I still hang with highschoolers

To my understanding, not all highschoolers act they way that stereotypes claim though

Some are even reading this entry, and of course I mean no disrespect

Patrick was trying to be the host and established himself at being a well rounded individual

Matt and Felicia were too busy making out to get a word in edge-wise

Kathy was complaining that no one loved her

And Alexis cuddled with me... I know I know I know

I could've said something, I could've stopped it there, but risking causing a scene in a house I've never been to before

This situation was a storm I had to wait out, knowing that it would be over and also knowing I would crave freedom before long

In my adventure to drive Alexis home, she asks in her coy and inadvertent way "so, can we date?"

The bells rang and the fight was on:

The first subject I tackle to the ground is age: With there being a 4 year difference between us, this subject was easy to trip and take down. However it didn't woo the audience that is Alexis' reasoning

The second combatant is willingness: With a one-two punch, I tell her I'm not ready for a relationship. Again, the audience remained unphased

I fought the good fight and won nothing in return, so naturally I gave up and let her speak

She said nothing in her defense, just took the hits, and that made me look like the villain in this fight

Her eyes cried mercy, and I yeilded. I realized damage was being dealt, and I had won the fight, but I had to help her back up to her feet

At least to help her get moving out of the ring that is my answer to question "so, can we date?"

Before long, she snuck a few hits herself buy texting me a message telling me things that dealt enough damage to ignore the next text message

She didn't bitch me out, just let the guilt dwindle my stamina to a managable level

She didn't give up, and so I let her know that I was in the fight still

She asked what I was doing tomorrow

She finished what the guilt started

Another factor that aided my surrender was that I don't have texting with my plan

Colin: 1, Alexis: 2

And I'm fine with that score

She can have her victory

It's easy to say that this was a fight I never want to partake again

At the end of today, I couldn't shake the defeat that is the guilt

I felt guilty about cuddling with her, giving her false hopes, then crushing those hope in the passenger seat of my car by telling her "now the problem with that is-"

I know I did the right thing in the long run

That could be represented by me actually putting the gloves on

I never wanted to fight, though

I don't want to throw punches, I want to shake hands

And today punches were thrown...

[ Leaving all hands unshaken ]

Another sleepless night

2008-04-23T10:40:59Z

I'm starting this thing around 6:05 am

I'm staying up, I've decided that I need to have a medicated sleep

How saddening, how my sleep schedule got that out of hand

My father suggested that I have alot on my mind

Heh, more truth to that statement that I wanted to let on

On the money front, I'm just angry

I'm owed [supposedly] a large sum of money, because I got the word out to a shit ton of companies to buy this guy's product. I'm 1/3 of the advertising committee, Vuch and Andrew make up the other 66.6repeating percent

So, big money deal, big company, 25% commission means I should have it by now, actually I should've had it two weeks ago

First, Andrew's mom gets sick, and she is the only person [allegedly] that can cash the large check, so not only do I believe she's holding out, but she wants an equal share along with Andrew's sister

This reeks of bullshit, but whatever, some money is better than how much I'm making now

So now that Andrew's mother is getting better, she forgot to get the check from Chad, the guy with the product

Oh snap! He's on vacation

No check... Not until next month

Which sucks, because a ton of decisions rely on that money

Not just my car or health, but also Primerica, laptop, school, even fucking relationships

Without money, my life seems to be paused, and I can't find the employment to resume my life again

Friend front: Apparently my name was dragged in shit for no reason

There is a story going on between Friend A, Girlfriend, and Friend B

A and GF were dating, broke up, B was called by A because he needed someone to talk to

SUPPOSEDLY, B called GF and said "So, you're single?" So, trying to recover from the fact that B is a douche bag, B is saying horrible things about me, because I decided to help A out with his situation, however no one believes him

Because, call me old fashioned, but that's just not fucking right

So GF plays it cool with me, A and I constantly talk, and B wants me to die horribly on a planet at his disclosure... preferably with fire

Lots of fucking fire

All because I wanted to do the right thing

Also, Mike and Vuch went for a bike ride, and apparently it was epic

Now, Vuch, you know better

WTF am I doing with myself? I have a bike and I don't NEED- fuck it

Hope you homos had fun... j/k

Jeff needs to die, or grow up

School: Another class finished, and another begins

I have school all year round, so I don't have the luxury of a "summer"

Cry for me, even though I'm gonna graduate really fast

Cry...

Female Front: Hanging out with lots of em lately

I'm SUPPOSED [imagine me saying that while having a freaked out anime expression] to hang out with Brittany, but NOOOoooOOOO

I'll call and complain tomorrow... er, today

Mary wants to get back with me... and I'm still weighing thr pros and cons

Prolly not gonna do it, why? Distance, history [new years, woo woo], trust, and as stated before money...

Cicchelli and I need a luncheon like a money needs to know how to use toilet tissue, and Frank and I need to hang out at Coney because for once my procrastination [even though unintentional] is starting to piss me off

I go to get-togethers and Jamie Frank will call me, and Jayme Cicchelli will be sitting next to me and the only word that comes to mind is "Obligation"

ob·li·ga·tion [ob-li-GEY-shuhn]
1. something by which a person is bound or obliged to do certain things, and which arises out of a sense of duty or results from custom, law, etc.
2. something that is done or is to be done for such reasons: to fulfill one's obligations.

And when one / both of those social conditions are met, my mind explodes with guilt, even though I could say it isn't my fault for the lack of income

... It really is my fault

And I here I sit complaining about it, rather than trying to fix it...

Weather front: Thank god its getting better out there

Sun shining, 72 degrees, people walking and bicking, no coats

I was seriously gonna bitch-slap and knappy hoe... named Mother Nature

Happy Earth day, btw

4 / 20 / 2008? Yeah, nothing happened

There's a house spider hanging on behind the wall of this computer, it walks slowly, knowing that I see it

Should I kill it?

Oh, it just fell... there it is again... I killed it

Yep, that's how bored I am

[ Fuck my life... ]

Nostalgia, much?

2008-04-16T18:39:22Z

I think I used that subject line before, regardless:

I stayed up until 2 pm two nights ago

What on earth did I do to pass the time?

Nothing grand, but I did look through the yearbooks of old... and lemme tell ya, nothing in the world makes you feel more significant than crushed at the same time

And its strange how I never actually looked at it, and saw that I had like a girl to guy ratio of signers of like 12:1

All of them stating the same thing: You're wonderful, don't change, love you lots, KIT, a name and number

Some of them were different, but all of them had that message

I started reading the names and I found myself asking "Who the hell?"

How horrible it would be to be important for that moment for me to helplessly track down a female individual, and have them endure my awkward asking of "wanna sign my year book?"

I ask that with a lingering lisp right before I blow my nose and adjust my nerd glasses, every fucking time and it never failed

Then after that endeavor, I forget who you were... how horrible

I knew who you were before and during, but not after

While reading what they wrote, I felt empowered. But everything returned to normal when I closed each book. Like reality stepped out for a cigarette, then came back when it was done

I suppose that's what the yearbooks were SUPPOSED to do, but nothing I felt was that agonizing before

Fuck you yearbooks!

[ You and your 198 paged hard cover ass! ]

"... take some time to think"

2008-04-04T07:53:55Z

The month of March has been awarded with a belate decision

Because the month had alot of thinking

So I had to pick a song about thinking

GOD! Where to begin?

Against Me! - Stop was perfect, because its catchy and makes ya wanna dance! Like screw girls, tonight, I just wanna dance!

PJanuary - Boxcar Racer - There IsP
PFebuary - OneRepublic - Say [All I need]P
PMarch - Against Me! - Stop!P
April -
May -
June -
July -
August -
September -
October -
November -
December -

Title thus far: "After Moving On"

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you. [x3]
You've got to make a serious decision.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you. [x3]
You've got to make a serious decision.

It could be me up there in stage lights.
It could be me on the TV in you living room.
It could be me jet setting with my band all across the world.
Appearing live in concert one night only, tickets sold out.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you. [x3]
You've got to make a serious decision.

There I am giving candid disclosure to press in interview.
There I go on my way through the crowd up to the podium.
On behalf of our fans we'd like to accept this award.
Smile for the camera boys, gold record in hand.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you. [x3]
You've got to make a serious decision.

All of our lives in waiting.
All of our lives traded for their roses and applause.
All of our lives dedicated to shoving it right back in their fucking face.

Stop! Take some time to think, figure out what's important to you. [x3]
You've got to make a serious decision.
I said you've got to make a serious decision.

Stop! Take some time to think

[ I'll figure it out... ]

Good nudes... I mean news

2008-03-31T03:37:03Z

+++ Finished that damn 5 page paper and expanded it to 7 pages! Woot woot extra credit!

+++ Got that damn wall built faster than I could say "Hoo pow, kick a bit!"..... Okay, it wasn't THAT fast

+++ I rearranged the basement and it looks friggen sweet

And heres the real kicker for my mood:

My homeword for this week, assigned by Prof. Princewill Ikegwuono, to, and I quote:

"You will be tasked with writing down reviews for 5 different game titles and then submit to the DropBox by the end of Week 5."

What does that mean for me?

I get to play video games for homework

You WISH you had this class

[ And I do... aHAH! ]

No one gives a fling shit about big foot

2008-03-27T03:46:50Z

I finished Bioshock, twas a good plot and plot twist and HORRIBLE ending. Well, it was a good ending, but I, for one, didn't like it... moving on. I had this strange dream: I had a Wii-Mote that controlled everything, like, I moved the sun past the horizon? Then brought the moon up? Then eclipsed it? Then turned the trees purple? And increased saturation on the green grass? Then increased the light the stars were giving off? Fucked up... But now I'm having alot of doubts, and I don't know why the fuck I'm having them. School is going good: I took a test that covered chapters 1-10. I JUST got to chapter 2, yet I still got 90% on it; I fuggin pwn. I have a ton of shit that I have to do socially, but I can't get to them. Like make a CD... album cover and all. Then create an adventure for Stephan and Nick and Mike. Then create my own Legend of Zelda concept, which I haven't figured out yet. Okay, three things. But YOU trying DMing! [except for you Stephan, you can stfu] i Es mucho más duro que mira ! Walking alot due to the weather, therefore continuing to lose weight. Flyers still getting there asses kicked, and I also lose weight because of that, which reminds me; I could be coming into a lot of money, as stated in the last entry. Which is good because I have written my last able check to my Aunt for my car, for I'm just simply out of damn money... And I'm still unemployed. Pray that I get an ample amount of funding. This little piggy needs it...

[ And this little piggy signed off this bizzle ]

Colin: whudup?

2008-03-20T17:20:42Z

+New video card... that = Bioshock. Or Bioshack, according to Mike

+School: Going well, participating everyday but still procrastinating 1 double-spaced page of text about videogames. How hard could that be?

±Still unemployed. However, another endeavor may prove very useful financially

-RPG Maker: Still fuggin stuck... writers block

±The D&D campaign I had was lost, now Mike is picking up the slack, thanks Mike!

+Going to pass out more flyers, I think around these neck of the woods

-I have enough money for paying my aunt one more time, then one more month's payment for car insurance and no money left for my health insurance.

+Sleep schedule is fixed... for now.

+Weather is getting warmer

?Am I actually going to Cedar Point this spring????

[ Now for me to make more money... ]